Thank you for this. Social atrophy has been my concern for some time — particularly when the pandemic hit, and I had this sinking feeling that we were collectively moving in the wrong direction with the idea, phrase, and practice of “social distancing.” My family and I were living in an urban EcoVillage community of 37 households at the time, most of us politically on the left-leaning to socialist spectrum, and suddenly we were deprived of most of our in-person opportunities for socializing. The effects were catastrophic. We — and many others — ended up having to exit, because we couldn’t figure out how to balance autonomy and community. I’m still trying to iron out what happened, still trying to resolve or at least reframe the tension between individualism and collectivism.
As an introvert who has found themself running a church organisation, I endorse this post! I think a lot of introverts just desire *better quality* social interactions hence my wish to help us all get better at doing that - because as you say, it’s good for us personally and societally
So interesting, just finished your book and this popped up 😃
Its making me think perhaps one way through this conundrum is that the more people that re-engage with public life the more we’ll have ‘bridge-people’ who can interact in different ways and be the glue between those who like 1:1 / small groups and those that are comfortable in the big splashy collective / larger group spaces. The reduced levels of engagement in public life (and the temptation to ‘exit’) means there is a disproportionate burden on a small number of people to be all things even when it doesn’t sit comfortably with them ❤️ and maybe the more of us there are the more we can accommodate what everyone needs or prefers. So it really seems to reinforce the call to get involved and work out together what types of 3rd spaces and activities we need to really thrive in this work that’s so desperately needed 🤔
Thank you so much for your writing, it’s truly a gift for our time 🎁 x
The push for socialization — for people to be more extroverted — won't work without an equal push to honor inwardness. Big Tech wants to completely decimate civil society *and* our relationships with ourselves. We need to work on rebuilding both, but when it comes to introverts, the latter has to come first.
I've seen a lot of calls to repopulate the public sphere with people willing and able to socialize like we used to (or as we imagine people used to). I think these calls miss a key point, which is that a lot of people don't feel like people anymore. That is, we don't experience ourselves as whole and integral — we're alienated, confused, exhausted, dispossessed. This is especially true for introverts: in a world that pushes us to produce constantly, to move quickly, to be shrewder than the person next to us, introverts are suffering. They're not able to nurture their self-relationships. Their inability to connect with others is an effect of that core problem.
In this context, guidance like "be more social! Here are three ways to do it in a way that feels good to you..." can register as just another mandate to participate in your own self-dispossession. Even if the guidance is offered kindly, introverts will feel alienated by it. It doesn't "get" them.
The question I ask myself is: how do we help people reconnect with themselves in such a way that a) is truly healthy for them, regardless of whether it aids a socio-political project; b) supports their ability to contribute to the public sphere?
Thanks for this. One thing you don’t touch on is fear of conflict. One framing of social anxiety that helped me was that it’s your brains way of protecting you from the pain of being disliked so you withdraw to avoid that risk. My main aversion to political discourse is the fear of attack - which happens pretty often in the social space. A bad faith response can set me back for days, I lose sleep and can’t be there for my family. Especially if it’s my tribe or something I care about. I know this is down to a trauma response based on my personal history but I’m guessing I’m not alone. Heated political debates can be really activating for the fight / flight response and often you can be shouted down for genuine curiosity or questioning maybe some positions. It’s something I’m thinking a lot about as not everyone is as comfortable with challenge, especially when it feels loaded with judgement.
Yes absolutely! I talk about this a bit in my last book but I probably should look into it more for the next one. Thank you for writing to me about this. (I’m seeing the nuts drive to conflict so much right now as my social media platform grows…)
And I’m sorry things have been tough in that area!
Ah I’ll make sure to read your book. Love the blog. I’m at art school right now as a mature student and our next project is about protest so it’s something I’m thinking deeply about. I wrote about it on my Substack and some of my concerns about critical theory. I love the fact you bring the physiological insights into your work as I feel that can be missing from discourse to give context and nuance. How we disagree and the ability to be able to hold different perspectives and to stay open is really important to me. Sometime the messenger is as important as the message
The binary introvert/extrovert as you and others in these comments observe, is a limiting one. There are "bridge people" and you write like one. I try to cultivate an alert bird's eye view of people and the world. From that place, I can't not have a social life.
Tanya, I'm very interested in what you say here. I am part of a small cohousing group in the UK, we've just purchased a property with multiple dwellings (some need extensive work before they can be moved into). I do have a concern about how to balance autonomy and community, and an architect friend of ours has stressed the importance of private space in addition to communal spaces. It sounds like your exit was primarily linked to the pandemic, or were there other factors? (Here is our website https://heartward.org.uk/)
This was an interesting read, thank you. I agree with many of your conclusions regarding the importance socialization, and share a similar evolution from childhood and teen years to the liberation from college onwards. I, too, force myself to socialize when I don't want to because I know it'll be good for me. I see it as a kind of maintenance, a way to keep mentally sound and to avoid the dark-tinted glasses that come with isolation.
That said, I would suggest that distilling this to introversion might be a faux pas. The examples of comments and replies you get seem to stem more from a disillusionment with society than with introversion itself. They seem to be confusing what you're saying (the advantage and need of socializing face-to-face) with having to put up with disappointing behavior. Anyone who says they want to die alone doesn't sound like an introvert (or at least introversion is not what's motivating it).
They see the negative side of those interactions because, I believe, interacting did indeed get worse. I don't think it has so much to do with the content (commenting on the teacher or the gym) but with the form that those conversations often take (complaining, criticizing, insulting, etc.). I think that's why that person immediately jumped to the conclusion that it would be gossip and not a constructive conversation.
Those same people, I believe, will find socializing restorative when they do it with others in the same wavelength (I would agree with you if you were to say that you still have to try and find them).
I'm not sure we can design our way to make introverts feel more included, because the problem is not in the spaces, but in a degrading social fabric. The system--however we want to define that term socially, economically, technologically--is making society unbearable for some people. Especially today, with the perverted technology that is social media, people get out of the home already pre-exhausted.
Regardless, I do think your point stands. To meaningfully change anything, we need to do it together and accept being uncomfortable in the process. And even if we can't change it in time, which I increasingly believe given what we're up against, it's a more fulfilling way to exist.
Yes—I think if you give it one more read over you’ll see that my gentle suggestion is that some people who identify as introverts are also quite socially atrophied and /or (mostly and) suspicious of social interactions for other reasons… ! Vs introversion alone is its own less fraying thing. And socialising has indeed got worse—you may want to read what I’ve written here: https://www.theideasletter.org/essay/the-perils-of-social-atrophy/
Thank you for this. Social atrophy has been my concern for some time — particularly when the pandemic hit, and I had this sinking feeling that we were collectively moving in the wrong direction with the idea, phrase, and practice of “social distancing.” My family and I were living in an urban EcoVillage community of 37 households at the time, most of us politically on the left-leaning to socialist spectrum, and suddenly we were deprived of most of our in-person opportunities for socializing. The effects were catastrophic. We — and many others — ended up having to exit, because we couldn’t figure out how to balance autonomy and community. I’m still trying to iron out what happened, still trying to resolve or at least reframe the tension between individualism and collectivism.
This sounds really hard, I'm so sorry to hear it. And also very interested to read anything you write about it/learn more about it.
As an introvert who has found themself running a church organisation, I endorse this post! I think a lot of introverts just desire *better quality* social interactions hence my wish to help us all get better at doing that - because as you say, it’s good for us personally and societally
I think this is part of it, yes. I also find having tasks seems to help people a lot, which is similar…
Beautiful piece. I’m a disabled introvert but I truly know the importance of face to face social interaction
So interesting, just finished your book and this popped up 😃
Its making me think perhaps one way through this conundrum is that the more people that re-engage with public life the more we’ll have ‘bridge-people’ who can interact in different ways and be the glue between those who like 1:1 / small groups and those that are comfortable in the big splashy collective / larger group spaces. The reduced levels of engagement in public life (and the temptation to ‘exit’) means there is a disproportionate burden on a small number of people to be all things even when it doesn’t sit comfortably with them ❤️ and maybe the more of us there are the more we can accommodate what everyone needs or prefers. So it really seems to reinforce the call to get involved and work out together what types of 3rd spaces and activities we need to really thrive in this work that’s so desperately needed 🤔
Thank you so much for your writing, it’s truly a gift for our time 🎁 x
I like the idea of bridge people!
🌁❤️
The push for socialization — for people to be more extroverted — won't work without an equal push to honor inwardness. Big Tech wants to completely decimate civil society *and* our relationships with ourselves. We need to work on rebuilding both, but when it comes to introverts, the latter has to come first.
I've seen a lot of calls to repopulate the public sphere with people willing and able to socialize like we used to (or as we imagine people used to). I think these calls miss a key point, which is that a lot of people don't feel like people anymore. That is, we don't experience ourselves as whole and integral — we're alienated, confused, exhausted, dispossessed. This is especially true for introverts: in a world that pushes us to produce constantly, to move quickly, to be shrewder than the person next to us, introverts are suffering. They're not able to nurture their self-relationships. Their inability to connect with others is an effect of that core problem.
In this context, guidance like "be more social! Here are three ways to do it in a way that feels good to you..." can register as just another mandate to participate in your own self-dispossession. Even if the guidance is offered kindly, introverts will feel alienated by it. It doesn't "get" them.
The question I ask myself is: how do we help people reconnect with themselves in such a way that a) is truly healthy for them, regardless of whether it aids a socio-political project; b) supports their ability to contribute to the public sphere?
Yes, I think this is right and it’s also related to a need for autonomy in a world without much real meaningful individual autonomy.
Thanks for this. One thing you don’t touch on is fear of conflict. One framing of social anxiety that helped me was that it’s your brains way of protecting you from the pain of being disliked so you withdraw to avoid that risk. My main aversion to political discourse is the fear of attack - which happens pretty often in the social space. A bad faith response can set me back for days, I lose sleep and can’t be there for my family. Especially if it’s my tribe or something I care about. I know this is down to a trauma response based on my personal history but I’m guessing I’m not alone. Heated political debates can be really activating for the fight / flight response and often you can be shouted down for genuine curiosity or questioning maybe some positions. It’s something I’m thinking a lot about as not everyone is as comfortable with challenge, especially when it feels loaded with judgement.
Yes absolutely! I talk about this a bit in my last book but I probably should look into it more for the next one. Thank you for writing to me about this. (I’m seeing the nuts drive to conflict so much right now as my social media platform grows…)
And I’m sorry things have been tough in that area!
Ah I’ll make sure to read your book. Love the blog. I’m at art school right now as a mature student and our next project is about protest so it’s something I’m thinking deeply about. I wrote about it on my Substack and some of my concerns about critical theory. I love the fact you bring the physiological insights into your work as I feel that can be missing from discourse to give context and nuance. How we disagree and the ability to be able to hold different perspectives and to stay open is really important to me. Sometime the messenger is as important as the message
https://open.substack.com/pub/autotelicmusings/p/no-mud-no-lotus?r=1xyjh&utm_medium=ios
The binary introvert/extrovert as you and others in these comments observe, is a limiting one. There are "bridge people" and you write like one. I try to cultivate an alert bird's eye view of people and the world. From that place, I can't not have a social life.
Tanya, I'm very interested in what you say here. I am part of a small cohousing group in the UK, we've just purchased a property with multiple dwellings (some need extensive work before they can be moved into). I do have a concern about how to balance autonomy and community, and an architect friend of ours has stressed the importance of private space in addition to communal spaces. It sounds like your exit was primarily linked to the pandemic, or were there other factors? (Here is our website https://heartward.org.uk/)
Could there be correlation between introversion and not voting? The “exit.”
I’d love to know!
This was an interesting read, thank you. I agree with many of your conclusions regarding the importance socialization, and share a similar evolution from childhood and teen years to the liberation from college onwards. I, too, force myself to socialize when I don't want to because I know it'll be good for me. I see it as a kind of maintenance, a way to keep mentally sound and to avoid the dark-tinted glasses that come with isolation.
That said, I would suggest that distilling this to introversion might be a faux pas. The examples of comments and replies you get seem to stem more from a disillusionment with society than with introversion itself. They seem to be confusing what you're saying (the advantage and need of socializing face-to-face) with having to put up with disappointing behavior. Anyone who says they want to die alone doesn't sound like an introvert (or at least introversion is not what's motivating it).
They see the negative side of those interactions because, I believe, interacting did indeed get worse. I don't think it has so much to do with the content (commenting on the teacher or the gym) but with the form that those conversations often take (complaining, criticizing, insulting, etc.). I think that's why that person immediately jumped to the conclusion that it would be gossip and not a constructive conversation.
Those same people, I believe, will find socializing restorative when they do it with others in the same wavelength (I would agree with you if you were to say that you still have to try and find them).
I'm not sure we can design our way to make introverts feel more included, because the problem is not in the spaces, but in a degrading social fabric. The system--however we want to define that term socially, economically, technologically--is making society unbearable for some people. Especially today, with the perverted technology that is social media, people get out of the home already pre-exhausted.
Regardless, I do think your point stands. To meaningfully change anything, we need to do it together and accept being uncomfortable in the process. And even if we can't change it in time, which I increasingly believe given what we're up against, it's a more fulfilling way to exist.
Yes—I think if you give it one more read over you’ll see that my gentle suggestion is that some people who identify as introverts are also quite socially atrophied and /or (mostly and) suspicious of social interactions for other reasons… ! Vs introversion alone is its own less fraying thing. And socialising has indeed got worse—you may want to read what I’ve written here: https://www.theideasletter.org/essay/the-perils-of-social-atrophy/
oooh!! I've never heard of it, thank you! And also thanks for buying my book :)